JOURNAL | Why Body Dysmorphia Should Not Be Tolerated

Yesterday, I just settled my monthly gym membership fee and it has got me thinking whether this spending is all worth it considering that I only use the gym twice a month - pretty expensive for an effort to lose weight just because I feel awfully overweight these past few days. My belly has started to bloat that I could not even see my pubes because it is blocked. The good thing is I can still tie my shoe laces - back bent (although that has also started me feeling a bit struggling).

Despite the strain on finances there are inconvenient truth that I have to deal with: a preoccupation with muscularity, a distorted self-image, body dissatisfaction, and an obsession with an idealized body type.

A Goal With No End In Sight

And so it dawned on me - is this futile effort to lose weight still a health reason or am I becoming sucked up through the abyss of body dysmorphia? And this is all thanks to Twitter and Instagram for delivering non-stop male photos of unachievable physique. Now my self worth has incredibly become an everyday question of how much more I can lose weight to love myself fully.

It becomes a goal with no end in sight. Just a continuous struggle to arguably look better and become more desirable in the eyes of others.

Bigorexia, also known as Body Dysmorphia

On many occasions such as visits to spa and bath houses, I find myself insecure when I see other men with better body built. Like, how are they able to hit the gym or eat well or sleep 8 hours a day - a still have money to spend. The thing is, at my age approaching 40 - my priority has been set to earn more in preparation for sudden hospital treatments and many other emergencies. There has to be money in the bank because this ass ain't gonna be supported by nobody except myself.

Hence, I am really puzzled how they can all have bodies to die for. And the more I think about it, the more I lose confidence in myself and the more I distance myself from people - a problem compounded when you are an introvert. The urge to connect with others without losing yourself is never easy when you regard yourself less compared to others in terms of the physical.

Less Shame, More Self Worth

But there is also a part of me that says - FOCUS ON YOUR OWN SHIT. 

We do not know what these people are going through so it is unfair to judge them based on what we see. People are complicated and I think everyone has their own battles and demons that they are dealing with. The problem with us, is that we tend to focus only on the parts that glitter and completely avoid the dark spots - a totally human behavior. But just because such is our nature, doesn't mean we can't get pass through them.

I don't really want to be the guy who keeps comparing myself to others and feel less happy. And to base my self worth on my physique is totally unfair and unhealthy. #