JOURNAL | J, Is Leaving

J, Is Leaving

Still can't believe that 2018 is almost over. It passed by so quickly I didn't even notice how life has been this year. But certainly, it has been a rough year in many aspects. And I am writing this free entry because it is not every day that I can muster some energy to hit my keyboard and think of things. And I am actually drinking my Starbucks venti cappuccino as I write this (funny how I complain about the excessiveness of multi billion dollar companies but I still support them; only goes to show that if something sells, it will flourish despite negative criticisms). But I am not to talk about social topics today.

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J is about to leave Oman and return to South Africa. I've known this friend in 2018 through common friends and we were chill; we got along very well and after a few months, she gonna be leaving. Well, it's not like we won't be able  to see each other again but fact is, it is quite challenging to keep the communication especially if you are worlds apart.

I've had several foreign friends I have met in my life; and most of them (if not all), I have lost simply because I cannot manage the communication gap. The few that I still manage to get in touch with are either living a totally different life or cannot be bothered.

Somehow, I have developed this separation anxiety problem. And this made it difficult for me to reach out or open up to people I have just met. Because at the back of my mind, there is that constant fear of departure; that anxiety of people coming in and coming out of your life. That is something that I failed to remove from my system while I was growing up. And it made connecting really hard for me; in fact, I cannot even hug someone genuinely because I have fear of attachments. I fear that attachments can lead to disappointment and I fear that I am not able to recover from losing people. Such is the downfall of me.

Tomorrow I will have dinner with J, and I don't know how I am going to feel about the whole situation.